Changing your relationship to attachment injury stress is the key
Part 4 of a series on childhood trauma
What if your stress reaction pattern isn’t a flaw—but a path to skillful resilience?
In the first three parts of this series, we explored:
The focus of this article:
Recovery as relationship—changing how you relate to stress, rather than trying to fix, change, avoid, or ditch it (hint: those last four options don’t work).
If you grew up without steady attunement or co-regulation from adults, your stress reactions are probably learned reflexes—protective patterns your younger self used to try to feel safe, connected, or loved, long before your brain’s full maturation (which doesn’t happen until your late 20s).
These reflexes were creatively adaptive then; they just haven’t been updated. Yet.
What I mean by reflexes
A reflex is an automatic stress response wired by early experience, often in relation to attachment injury. Common reflexive patterns include:
Freeze or shutdown
People-pleasing or fawning
Over-achieve / over-function
Withdrawal or emotional distancing
Self-criticism, shame spirals, harsh inner voice
Recovery as a relationship, not a destination
Healing isn’t a final state. Recovery is an ongoing relationship with your reflexes—meeting them with curiosity instead of judgment, so your nervous system begins to learn safety from the inside out.
A skillful relationship with a stress reflex might look like this:
• Notice the reflex without fighting it
• Name what’s happening (briefly, kindly)
• Choose a skillfull regulating action
• Return to life with a touch more steadiness
Why this matters for attachment injuries
When you learn to relate skillfully to reflexive protective patterns, you are reparenting yourself. You give yourself (with agency) the kindness, attention, and skill you once lacked. By doing this, you:
Support yourself under pressure
Become the stable adult your younger self needed
Shift safety from external to internal
Changing your relationship to stress also helps you map your reflexive patterns and develop skills to handle any situation—past or present—without being run by old survival wiring.
A cooperative daily framework
I developed the Stress Resilience Practice (SRP) as an effective alternative to our culturally affirmed power struggle with unconscious reactions, which is often layered with self-criticism (“just get over it” or “power through”).
The resilient alternative is internal cooperation and collaboration: you observe, soften, and gently refocus attention to the body and expansive self so your system can learn a different response.
Four skillful steps:
Observe the reflex with neutrality
Untangle mind time travel and the amygdala’s fight-or-flight response
Shift focus to neutral or pleasant body sensations (vibration of tapping, natural breath expansion/contraction, etc.)
Align with an inherent, expanded sense of self
Each step is a micro-practice for neuroplasticity. They all teach your mind to ground in present-moment data via bodily sensation; your nervous system records that as safety—not an idea, but a felt experience.
Over time, this supports gradual rewiring of your brain, helping it become more resilient in the face of stress.
Using stress itself to build skillful resilience
With consistent application, reflexive stress reaction loops yield to responsive awareness. You stop wrestling with the mind and encourage it to partner with the physical self’s. Recovery becomes less about destination and more like a dance between mind and physical sensation.
Skills tip
If the steps feel big or abstract, focus on one favorite physical sense anchor — any thing you can touch, see, hear, or even taste in the present moment. Returning to your preferred anchors regularly builds the relationship—your nervous system learns what to do and what to expect.
Try this mini-reset (one-minute):
Notice one stress reflex (tightening, rushing, people-pleasing, withdrawing, overwhelm, etc.)
Name it softly (perhaps “Reflexive tightness”)
Tap gently on your preferred point while taking a few natural breaths, noticing the percussive vibration, expansion, and contraction
End with one word of appreciation for any steadiness you felt (“It’s good to do this” or “I appreciate my senses”)
Next time
We’ll explore how learning to witness yourself without judgment begins to heal the attachment injuries underneath your stress reflexes—and why noticing yourself with kindness is the first act of secure attachment.
To test a full version of the Stress Resilience Practice, check out these practice videos (between 11 to 15 minutes long).
Resources for further study
Buenrostro-Jáuregui, M. H., et al. (2025). Plasticity mechanisms associated with stress and resilience. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 16, 1522068. Examines neuroplastic processes that underpin adaptation through consistent practice.
Herman, J. (1992). Trauma and recovery. New York, NY: Basic Books. Foundational model of three-phase recovery—safety, remembrance/mourning, reconnection.
Leitch, L. (2023). Time to move forward: Resilience and trauma-informed practice. Frontiers in Public Health, 11, 1219050. Demonstrates how body-based awareness practices support safer regulation and resilience.
Wnuk, A. (n.d.). When the brain starts adulting. Information on brain development adapted from the 8th edition of Brain Facts.
Zaleski, K. L., Johnson, D. K., & Klein, J. T. (2016). Grounding Judith Herman’s trauma theory within interpersonal neuroscience and evidence-based practice modalities for trauma treatment. Smith College Studies in Social Work, 86(4), 377–393. Links Herman’s stages with regulation skills and neurobiology.
Your weekly hit of intentional positive emotion!
Here are two of my favorites from the week. Practice feeling inspired and moved while you enjoy.
Lonely ‘unprofitable’ cow is so happy to make a friend by GeoBeats Animals (3:02 minutes). A sweet story of how two “throw-away” farm animal babies find their best life at this great sanctuary.
Group Therapy | FULL MOVIE by LOL Network (1:27:27 hours — released October 16, 2025). What happens when comedians get serious about mental health? Moderated by Neil Patrick Harris, professional stand-up comics share their experience with mental health with vulnerability and humor (with Mike Birbiglia, Nicole Byer, Tig Notaro, Gary Gulman, London Hughes, and Atsuko Okatsuka). NOTE: There is a content warning at the beginning of this film. Subjects include substance abuse, mental illness, and suicide — however gently. Respect your limits.